Blog Archives

Surviving a Broken Family (Rule 2: Grieve)

28/7/2015

Separation of parents is like death for the children. Some part of a kid's life dies - his dreams of a happy family, her dreams of walking down the aisle with dad, his dreams of eating his mother's dishes. True, the parents don't die, but a part of the future does. So I say grieve.

If your parents have just separated, allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Let those tears flow.

Get angry. Be sad. Cry.

And then accept it. And move forward.

At one point in your life, you have to revisit this even and go through the pains to face it and own it. Accept that it happened, don't deny it. Denying it does not change the past but it changes your future. Grieve over the disappointments, the broken dreams and promises, the future that is forever lost, the future that will not be within your reach no matter how hard you try.

Not grieving is like building a house without a strong foundation; it's skipping the first process and eventually, you'll be haunted by your past.

You don't have to deal with the pain immediately. In fact, Henri Nouwen suggests in his book 'The Inner Voice of Love'

"You have to live through your pain gradually and thus deprive it of its power over you. Yes, you must go into the place of your pain, but only when you have gained some new ground. When you enter your pain simply to experience it in its rawness, it can pull you away from where you want to go."
(Go Into the Place of Your Pain, The Inner Voice of Love)

I started dealing with the pain of my parents' separation 20 years after it happened. I guess I wasn't ready to revisit this part of my life earlier. I didn't know how hurt I was; after all, my life turned out well. I did great in school and I've held my ground. But just because my life turned out well, it didn't mean that my parents' separation was ok.

Many people try to justify what happened in the past was good because eventually something good came out of it. But this is not an excuse to say that what happened was not all right. Every child has a right to a father and a mother who provide a loving and safe home. If the parents separated due to domestic violence, you can't grieve if you keep on telling yourself that it was for the best. As a child, you didn't deserve or need a violent household as much as you need separated parents. It couldn't be helped if you parents have to separate, but it wasn't the best situation. It was probably the best solution but it was not the best situation. Until you understand what you deserved - a loving family - you will not be able to grieve.

Never feel that you have no right to feel pain. But whatever you do, know that it is not your fault. You have nothing to grieve about yourself. It was the situation. Don't go into self-pity mode. Accept that there was nothing you could have done to keep your parents together. They did not get divorced or separated because of you - it was because of their limitations to maintain a family. Try to understand them and love them just the same.

What grieving is

Revisiting your pain
Acknowledging that you didn't get what you needed
Acknowledging that you feel an emptiness

What grieving is not

Self-pitying
Denying your need
Denying your pain

What do you do after you have grieved?
Grieve and forgive. Face the new morning and move forward.
Although life is unfair, it has a lot of beautiful things to offer.

Comments

Recognize the Real Winners

20/7/2015

Comments

How do you recognize a real winner? We have so many competitions from beauty pageants, to talent searches, to sports and politics. Only one gets the crown, the trophy. One stands on top. One is recognized as the champion.

And the rest are placers.

Most competitions seek out to proclaim as winner those who most exemplify characters or talents among a pool of competitors. Who is the most beautiful? Who is the smartest? Who is the most physically fit? Who is most liked by the people? Judging criteria are then drafted in the hopes of making tangible these boundless noble attributes.

But are these judging criteria foolproof? Many have been proclaimed technical winners but their wins have been questioned time and time again. The recent bout of Mayweather and Pacquiao shows just that. Indeed, Mayweather may be the technical winner but he did not win the hearts of many. Talent searches that include voting criteria to proclaim the winners sound more like a popularity contest rather than a real talent search.

So how do you spot a real winner?

The challenge is we tend to always look for the outcome, the execution, without looking at the journey that people undergo. And we always think that there should only be one winner.

First, we have to expand our definition of what a winner should be. Competitions are meant to be arenas to discover human virtues, and virtues are boundless and multi-faceted.

Second, we need to see beyond the results. Some companies say that in-market execution is the only thing that consumers see. This is the only thing that consumers judged. No one would be able to see how much hard work is put in an effort if the end result failed. Although this is the case for the capitalistic world, this should not be it. Hardwork should always be recognized because only those with good values are able to work hard.

Lastly, I am not saying that there should not be technical winners. What I am saying is that we should start recognizing other winners. Sometimes, they are more of a winner than the technical winner is.

Characteristics of real winners

Humble – real winners are not conceited or egoistical. They remain humble despite their success.
Works hard to achieve his goal – it doesn’t matter if the goal is achieved, as long as he has put in all his effort towards his goal.
Has integrity – a real winner will not compromise his values and beliefs in order to win.
Respects dignity – a real winner know that he is his own person. Bashing or mockery does not affect him. He is also aware that he worthy of respect as a person and he accords the same respect to his competitors and to everyone.
Understands that there are things more important than being the technical winner

Recognition is one motivating factor for a man to work hard to become a better version of himself. While we cannot, and we must not, eliminate competitions, we should start recognizing those who exhibited winning attitudes together with the technical winners.

Let’s re-think how we recognize real winners. After all, isn’t the highest goal not taking home the crown but being the best version of oneself?

Comments

Surviving a Broken Family (Rule 2: Grieve)

Recognize the Real Winners

From the Author

Archives

Categories

Get in Touch